December 19, 2011 Night

1:00am. Bobby woke up to bring Peyton over.

I asked him for warm wash cloth to assist with letting the milk down. Then asked him to turn on the light in the laundry room. I received the response, "When am I going to start getting sleep?". At this point, I told him he could stay awake with me as we had this conversation earlier tonight (in front of his mother) and he claims that he hasn't gotten any sleep.

He fell asleep within five minutes.

I fed Peyton. Changed his diaper. Changed his outfit because his back was wet. And burped him.

Returned my wet cloth to the sink in the bathroom and came back to bed.

Time: 2:20pm

5:40am: Brings me Peyton. I had to release some milk first. Bobby checked his cell phone. He went back to sleep at 5:50am.

Fed Peyton, changed diaper.

6:25am. Back to bed for an hour and a half.

December 19, 2011 Day

Doctor's Appt at 11:10am. Bobby woke up at 10:15am. I laid out Aiden's clothes. Got Aiden a bowl of cereal.

Peyton had one feeding. Fed Peyton on the way to the Doctor's office.

Bobby took Aiden and met with Dan and Maddie at 2:00pm to assist in building wall at school.

Finalized the sale of Bobby's Hinting Pack. Sold for $100.00.

Made Rhonda (Bobby's Mom) 7 cups of Fried Rice after being notified of her potluck for tomorrow at 4:00pm.

Bobby and Aiden came home at 7:00pm.

Bruno Mars It Will Rain

If you ever leave me baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
‘Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don’t have it anymore.

There’s no religion that could save me
No matter how long my knees are on the floor
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I’m makin’
Will keep you by my side
Will keep you from walkin’ out the door.

[Chorus]
Cause there’ll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...

I’ll never be your mother’s favorite
Your daddy can’t even look me in the eye
Oooh if I was in their shoes, I’d be doing the same thing
Sayin there goes my little girl
Walkin’ with that troublesome guy

But they’re just afraid of something they can’t understand
Bruno Mars It Will Rain lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/bruno-mars-it-will-rain-lyrics.html

Oooh well little darlin’ watch me change their minds
Yeah for you I’ll try I’ll try I’ll try I’ll try
I’ll pick up these broken pieces ’til I’m bleeding
If that’ll make you mine

[Chorus]
Cause there’ll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...

[Bridge]
Don’t just say, goodbye
Don’t just say, goodbye
I’ll pick up these broken pieces ’til I’m bleeding
If that’ll make it right

[Chorus]
Cause there’ll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...

So he said tonight that he couldn't do this anymore. I know a big part of it is because I complain about not getting help, but I can only do so much. And instead of everyone sitting around maybe they could take the initiative and get up and do something.

With that said, I know that I've put everything that I could into this. I've tried my hardest. I told him that I kept the paperwork from March. So, I know that I've tried my hardest and it still wasn't good enough.

With that said, I'm ready for any decisions that he wants to make.

Another night of crying myself to sleep because I just wish he was the man I met on day 1. I know that we had both done things to hurt each other but I do miss the man that I fell in love with.

I want someone to love me, take care of me, be happy with me, talk and listen to me, make me laugh, hold me, kiss me like they want to, and occasionally have sex with me. I just feel neglected and unappreciated. I know he tried but I don't know how long I can go while pregnant slaving over trying to make him happy and at the same time my needs aren't met.

It is small things like a neck rub, or just being held, or some help with things, or even sex. He doesn't have anything to do with me sexually. I just feel neglected. Ive fallen out of his realm. I'm not in his scope of attraction any more.

I just don't know what to expect or do. Especially after tonight. He said he couldn't do it anymore. I'm 7 months pregnant. How am I going to do this?

I just know that I tried and if it comes down to this then I will need to put myself together and over come this.

This is going to be a rough Christmas.....

I really hate my life sometimes.  I hate my life.  I hate my life.  I feel like a complete failure.  I feel like I let down everyone.  And most importantly...I let down myself.  It feels like I am facing this world by myself.  And some days I wonder if I will ever make it out alive.

One of my sons hasn't been able to really spend time with me.  Time originally taken away by his own father.  And my other son...I try so hard to make a good life for him.  There's not enough time, never enough money.  It really saddens me that I feel like I can't live up to their expectations.

School

I went to a private school my whole life.  My grandmother would volunteer at the school just so that she could keep an eye on me. 

Occaisionally, I would see my mother.  She joined the military at this point.  And she came around maybe, once a year.  She started bringing a man named Luke.

Childhood

My grandmother cared for me the best she knew how.  She was married to a man in the Air Force that loved me dear.  I occaisionally saw my mother, but throughout my entire childhood, I was told that she was my sister. 

My grandmother wanted me to excel.  She wanted me to always be at the top of my class.  She enrolled my into swimming, gymnastics, ballet, tap, jazz by the time I was 4 years old.  After school, I would come home and the neighborhood kids would go outside to play.  I had to sit at a desk and study.  I did all of my homework, I memorized Sripps Spelling Bee books, I was questioned with mathmatical flash cards, I had to memorize chapters out of my books.  The questions at the end of each chapter had to have answers that compared exactly to what was in the content of that chapter and I had to know the exact number of page and subtopic that each answer was on.  If I didn't know, I would get licks with a wooden spoon.  People saw me as a wonderfully smart and behaved child.

In the morning, my grandmother would dress me.  She would cook my breakfast and do my hair.  I had gorgeous all natural dark brown hair.  It was so silky that it couldn't even hold a hair tie.  Every night, my grandmother combed it 100 times.  In the morning, I would have to sit still and eat all of my breakfast.  If I didn't do either, I remember getting my faced shoved into my cereal.  Then I would have been dragged by my hair up the stairs and tossed into a bath tub of running water.  Water that was so cold, it couldn't have come out of the faucet any colder.  I would cry and scream until I succombed and would repeatedly apologize for not sitting still. 

I remember the fierce look on my grandmother's face.  It was like she would black out.  I was too scared to run.  If I tried to grab that spoon, she would beat me even harder.

I wasn't allowed to play in the front yard for fear that someone would kidnap me.  We always had a fenced in back yard.  I was to always play there.  I was told that if I was kidnapped, they would rape me.   I would then be poked, grabbed and proded viciously in places that were uncomfortable.

I wasn't allowed to date.  I couldn't have friends that were boys.  My girl friends had to be pre-approved.  If they wanted to hang out with me, they would have to come over to my house.  To this day, I've never slept at a girl friend's house.

I have no child hood girl friends.